I wrote Jim almost two years ago to the date. The biggest takeaway from that piece was move. Move your body. Your body is your soul’s best friend and in order to have the experience you desire in this life; it is important that you take care of it. At that time in my life, things were different. I can think of two off the top of my head that helped facilitate my movement and connection with my body at that time. The first was my Adderall prescription for ADHD. Since I can remember, I’ve always had a lot of energy. And in general, a positive outlook on life. It wasn’t until my late twenties that I decided to get checked for ADHD. It ran rampant on my mom’s side of the family from my aunts to cousins and extended family. I have a vivid memory of visiting my aunt in Maryland as a family for Christmas one year. My aunt had remarried and there was a new part of the family that hadn’t had the experience of
all of us in a room at one time. A group of us were playing cards and unbeknownst to me, all of us fidgeting, humming, tapping, and carrying on three different conversations at once which was second nature. My aunt’s new stepdaughter commented, “geeze, you weren’t kidding when you said you have a hyperactive family”. It was utterly distracting to her but the norm for us.
Once I was diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), I used it a as crutch. Not only did it help with my performance at work, man did I have focus, but it also curbed my hunger which led to weight loss. It was the first thing I put into my mouth when I woke up every morning. I’ve never owned a scale because the goal growing up was always smaller. Didn’t matter the size I was, smaller was always the goal. Adderall helped with that. I could easily skip meals because I wasn’t hungry. Or, in turn, was able to eat whatever I wanted in moderation because I wasn’t eating enough calories to sustain my weight anyways. The primary ways I regulated my body prior to my awakening were through
Adderall, caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, and cannabis. I would start my day with uppers and as the day expired turned my attention to the downers. I share all of this because, in the spring of 2021, I knew that I needed to stop taking the Adderall. The year prior I had quit all my vices. I was sober. I picked one a quarter but not with the intention of quitting one a quarter. It all evolved naturally. The methamphetamine salts that I was being prescribed were the final piece to my central nervous system having freedom. So, when I sold my house and was moving into my RV, I decided to quit taking it.
The second piece that lent to my experience evolving from when I wrote Jim was money. The winter of 2021 was the poorest I had ever been. I was living so present in the moment and subsiding off of selling things out of my house. I was living off of roughly $75.00 a week. When the soup I had made was almost gone, miraculously, I would sell something through Posh Mark or Offer Up. I had cut my mother and the majority of my mother’s side of the family off during my awakening which had been my lifeline before if I needed anything. I had worked since I was 13 and grew up middle class. Although there were times in life, I didn’t get what I wanted, I never went without. In the spring of 2021, another set of earth angels entered my life and helped my sell my house. That story will be for another day. After selling my house, I moved into an RV and for the first time in what felt like ages, I had money again. The RV was paid for, and I had money from the equity in the house. My dog, cat, and I went from living in a house that had 28 stairs from the entryway to the top floor, taking Adderall daily, sometimes twice a day, and living off very minimal food to living in 200 square feet, no Adderall, and money to buy food.
In the coming months, I would gain nearly 40 pounds. I went from a size 2/4 to an 8/10. I also shaved my head at the end of 2020. I share this because, for the first time in my life, I felt ugly. I didn’t feel feminine, I was eating very poorly, and not taking care of my body. I had more time on my hands than ever but couldn’t find the energy to go for a walk. I found myself reaching for fast food multiple times throughout the day while on the road in my RV. I was traveling the states with no real points of interest outside of visiting some friends and family peppered through the United States. This cycle of behavior lasted until roughly a month ago. Not because I was happy with the state I was in, but rather couldn’t find the path to freedom for myself. I couldn’t find the energy or inspiration to eat better and move my
body. One day while thinking my thoughts, a new knowing presented itself to me. And for the first time, there was something more valuable than the comfort the food was providing. It was my intuition. I make living by feeling into my body and listening to what it is telling me.
That is how spirit speaks through me. When I eat poorly, my connection is impacted. I know that the correlation between the two appears simple, but it took about a year for me to discern the connection between the two. As a result, I am back on track to feeding myself appropriately, moving my body with walks and yoga daily. The beautiful thing about the body is how resilient it is. You can literally and metaphorically treat it like your worst enemy and all it wants to do is keep you healthy and alive. I am not sure what tomorrow will
bring but when it comes, I will address it then. Today, I am grateful that I have clarity of direction and intention with my body and the way it interacts with my mind and soul.